the-fisher-king-1991I don’t know where to begin about Robin Williams… he was always on the tube as I stumbled as a young woman, he was everywhere, like a friend…

In the mid-80s I would watch him with nervousness, care and love- Robin, will you make it? I had become more skittish about the casual use of drugs, with the awareness that it didn’t stay casual for everyone.

A fleeting boyfriend and his crew on the west coast roared with laughter at the manic pace of William’s delivery on the television in a coastal home. I hung on my seat with the awareness that I watched a cocaine stream of unconsciousness… The others seemed blissfully oblivious, but I thought- how is this funny?

I didn’t know Williams personally, but I knew other artists. I became furious at the system. The fancy rehab places. The inability to truly connect and help a brilliant mind transition to the next phase. I’ve known plenty of people who didn’t have the cushy “restart” and it’s pretty apparent to me that to hit your chin on concrete when you’re a nobody is probably the easier road.

There are people who come from the posh life and go through rehab and turn around. Plenty of them. But numbers-wise, there probably are far more legions of everyday people who turn their lives around. Perhaps Robin Williams’ horoscope indicates why he couldn’t find his way to another landing. But perhaps not. Our lives are not fated or pre-destined. Astrology indicates possibilities and how it all coalesces has so much to do with other factors.

It this point in time, I remind myself (or rather my husband reminds me) that I do not want to lessen Robin William’s contributions to the world.

I am filled with remorse, nonetheless.

I remember watching him on fire on Saturday Night Live in the 80s when I thought he would self-combust. I was incredibly uncomfortable, but riveted. He had that affect on me in everything he did.

In spite of all the hype, I did not love Mrs Doubtfire, because it felt hollow to me- except of course the scenes about his love for his kids and family…. which drove his incarnation of the old nanny. My favorite and totally enraptured moments were when Robin Williams acted- Good Will Hunting, Dead Poets Society, The Fisher King– his brilliance was luminous and his hunger for love controlled in the role. Personally, I feel that when he acted in a role that was his, he was able to touch the core of himself- transparent and glorious.

My pain tonight is because of the myth that such a brilliant artist must be alone, must be in pain, must go out like a torch. I hate this myth. It costs us so many young people. Even though Williams was able to prop himself up and triage along, he too is a casualty of the mythology.

What example is that for our youth? Burn bright, extinguish quickly? Yet at 63, that’s hardly young.

You will still burn bright, Robin. Your torch will be seen and you will inspire. But the fear of getting old (that tortures the Pluto in Leo generation) will be something that some outgrow but not all of us. Like all, the Pluto in Leo generation is simply a bridge. The difference between them and others is that they never saw themselves as being old- even now, Diane Keaton and Meryl Streep are still love interests in film because their generation pays to believe this is so. And for them, it is.

Do not judge Robin Williams for his demise. Instead, work vigilantly to find the laughter, the art and the exuberance that he so joyously celebrated. We need more like him. Why ever he left us, let it not be because he had no allies.

Dearest Robin, I cannot thank you enough for the moments you touched me, and I will miss what you felt you could not do. I also honor your right to die unmolested. RIP. Robin Williams’ horoscope on blog